Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use in arguing with God about your destiny. (Ecclesiastes 6: 10)

I just finished reading the third book by ‘The Single Woman’ Mandy Hale: Beautiful Uncertainty. It is about embracing Jesus to lead your life. Learning to accept not knowing what lies ahead and even more importantly accepting not being in control. Just like Mandy I have to admit to being a control freak. I like making plans. I am one of those people who has a week planner, a month planner, and a year planner. I make to do list after to do list, and regularly update my annual goals. On more than one occasion have I been told I seem like a person who is heading straight to my destiny.

Let me tell you… I am not walking straight. And that is my own fault, because I make plans without checking with Jesus if I am on the right course. And maybe I have even tried to not hear his plans, because I disagreed with them. When I was about 15 I decided I wanted to be a doctor. I could see myself wearing a white coat and making people better on a daily basis. I was certain that was my destiny. At the time it proved out of my reach and I had to make a different career choice. I looked at many option and eventually, almost at the last moment decided to do what I had thought about many times before. I went to do my nursing training. Not because I wanted to, rather because it felt like the right thing to do. I didn’t really enjoy the course, but I was good at it. I had high grades and learned from my placements I cared deeply about my patients.

But nonetheless, I was making plans to try to get into medical school after my nursing training. At the same time a friend of mine asked me to join her to attend an open day about a master degree course in Nursing Science. When we left I decided it wasn’t for me. Research was boring and after all, I was supposed to be the person in the middle of the action. I was supposed to be the person keeping people alive in the heat of the moment. I was not the person reading books and writing articles. Or so I thought…

I didn’t get into medical school, so I went to start working as a hospital nurse. I learned a lot, saw a lot, and most of all realised that nursing is a beautiful, valuable profession and that is actually suits me. Nonetheless, I also felt that I wasn’t at my destination yet. So I went to another open day of a master degree course. Only when I was well into this course I realised it was the same one as I had attended with my friend. But this time I was hooked. This time I knew this would fit me like a glove and that same night I enrolled as a student for a course I once thought was boring and definitely not for me.  

During the course I bloomed, and amidst the lectures, tests, books, and articles I found my destiny. Not the one I had planned, but the one that was planned for me. I had always been an average student, apart from the last two years of my nursing training. And here I was doing a Masters Degree, and my grades were higher than I could have ever dreamed off. Several tutors, professors, and supervisors told me to think about doing a PhD. For a while I thought this would be a ridiculous idea. After all, I was just an average student, I was a nurse and not a doctor, and I was told several times I was a doer not a thinker. So how could I ever do a PhD?

I am now about a year away from becoming graduating for my PhD in Nursing. Not because I had such an amazing plan, and not because I have been heading straight towards my goal. On the contrary, I have been quite difficult, I have been arguing with God on more than one occasion. I didn’t like nursing at first, tried twice to become a doctor without success, at first ignored the course I eventually graduated from, and needed quite some encouragement from quite a few people to actually believe I could start a PhD, let alone finish it.

So what is the moral of this story? His plans are better than yours or mine, and arguing with Him is useless. And also… He will help you when you are following his path. A PhD is a constant confidence struggle, a constant out-of-my-comfort-zone-experience, and a high workload and so little time, but He has never let me down.

And lastly, I do deserve some credit… I did hear his plan for me when I was 15, I just misunderstood it. I may not become a medical doctor with a white coat and a stethoscope, but I will become Dr. Hanneke after all.

“Because the only time you don’t find what you are looking for is when God has something far better waiting for you to discover.” (Mandy Hale, Beautiful Uncertainty, P 179)

​“To be a woman sitting by herself in a crowded New York City restaurant, amid the bustle and clatter of other people’s lives- what kind of thing was that to want?” (Katie Bolick)

Today I am thoroughly enjoying the book “Spinster: making a life of one’s own” by Kate Bolick. It is a book that combines a personal story with historical accounts of strong women, all written in an almost poetic flow, at all times celebrating the opportunity women have to choose a single life. The excerpt above resembles me going to Costa coffee, order their perfect latte, sitting there by myself observing and analysing the world while being completely and utterly happy.   

I grew up in a small town and when I was young most examples I had of grown up women were those who were married in most cases with one or more children. The books I read were about women who were aiming to settle down. Within the church marriage was spoken about as the main thing to do when in your twenties, almost as if it was the only way to be a respected Christian and an accomplished person.

Being 29 and single is often looked at with surprise. I therefore always say that I am very happy single, as if I have to put something opposite the negatively laden word ‘single’. As though I have to make up for what they feel is lacking, but nothing I say or do seems to be enough. Kate Bolick mentions in her book that “even the law defines a single woman by what she lacks” and that being single is still perceived as breaking with social ideas of how things should be.

While growing up I tried to find role models I could relate with and who showed how a women can be strong on her own. I seemed to find them in for instance Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, a TV show about a female doctor in a small town in America. Especially during the first seasons there was single 30 year old Dr Mike herself, strong, independent and always winning against all odds. But there were so many other women at the heart of this show including Dorothy, a widow running the town newspaper, and Mary, a former prostitute who got married and then divorced to eventually move to the city and start a career at a large bank. Then there was Olive, unmarried, with her own ranch, Charlotte Cooper the town’s midwife who was left by her husband, Emma who broke off her relationship to take her dream job, Miss Morales who lost her husband and was now the school teacher, and Marjory, a suffragette who divorced her first husband and was unwilling to marry again. Obviously being single can include those who never married as well as those who were married before. To me it was the theme of women able to be independent, single and accomplished that inspired me and made this show a priority during my teenage life. And during my life I heard, saw and met single women who showed a kind of strength and thoughtful wisdom that I admire and hope to achieve one day. 

Autonomy includes knowing who you are and what you want to do with your life. For some, maybe most women this will include a husband and a family life, but for me this includes being alone and the opportunity to explore the world by myself. Society may define single women by the lack of a husband, to me a single woman should be defined by her strength, independence, and her “austere, prideful autonomy” (Kate Bolick). Dr. DePaulo introduced the term ‘single at heart’ and I love this term as it represents how choosing to be single is not a lack of success or the prove of an unlovable character, it is rather just a different way to be:

“I had thoughts to think, a craft to learn, a self to discover. Solitude was a gift. A world was waiting to welcome me if I was willing to enter it alone.” (Vivian Gornick)

The last book I have read is “Come Thirsty” by Max Lucado who mentioned how we are defined by God's grace. He probably took inspiration from Paul who mentioned it in Corinthians 15. Although I disagree with Paul on certain topics (for instance his ideas on women, as he seems to think we are lazy and should be kept off the street by bearing many children and do the household), in this case he could not have put it better.

I am still thinking about the concept of confidence (see previous blog), and I think that defining oneself is inevitable to eventually be confident. This includes finding answers to: what makes you you, what are you made off, and what do you think of yourself? Many aspects that currently seem important when it comes to defining yourself are appearances, looks, weight, and clothing. Sometimes I get angry with the number of ads that pop up with empty promises of thirty pounds weight loss in a month, or women of all ages discussing their ‘urgent need’ for botox and fillers. And then, as an aspiring academic there are self defining aspects such as intelligence, number of publications, and impact factors, which are annually reviewed and actions are taken accordingly. As a nurse there are things like empathy, multi-tasking, and communication, which are constantly reviewed by colleagues and the public. So all in all there are a lot of qualities that seem to add to my definition of myself, and in a search for confidence I often aim to be as perfect as possible. 

But even though I aim for perfection I also know I will never reach it. My skin does not look as smooth as those adds on my screen, I still don’t fit in a size 0, and my supervisors always have a list of comments on the work I hand in. So that leads to the question: how can I ever be confident if I try to reach perfection in order to get it? That is where ‘defined by grace’ comes in. It gave me a sense of perspective, closely linked to being perfect as you are, made in God’s image and by being His beloved child. Everything I am is in Jesus, and everything I will be is through Jesus. This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work hard, and aim to improve, but it means that I no longer need perfection to feel confident. It doesn't mean I can walk into a job interview and say that I am not really concerned with the number of publications. It also doesn’t mean I can eat as much as I want, without any concern for my weight and subsequently my health. 

But it takes off the weight of carrying the enormous list of ‘must-be’s’ and must-do’s’ that seem to be put on us by the society we have created. It means that a kilogram more or less doesn't change my worth, it means that a mistake more or less doesn't change my worth, it means that the number of publications do not change my worth, and so on. In a world of constant merciless judgement I can keep my head held high, sit straight and speak up, because I am 'defined by grace'.

When my insecurity shows,
dear Jesus, hold me close.
When I am feeling at a loss,
please open my eyes to the cross.
When I try to do it on my own
please remind me to kneel at Your Throne

Whisper softly in my ear,
the words that take away all my fear:
“Your worth is not measured by earthly praise,
 dear child, you are defined by Holy grace”.

“If a woman is overweight, her size is seen as a negative reflection not just of her physical attractiveness but also of her intellectual capability. She is deemed less organised, less competent, and lacking self-control.” (“The confidence code, p.100)

When I read this it seemed something clicked in my head. Instantly I started writing about dieting and doing a PhD. Three years ago I started my part-time PhD in nursing and about a year ago I decided to lose weight as the BMI scale told me I was obese. This morning I was trying to celebrate having lost 20 kg, as well as trying to relax as feelings of insecurity were once again resurfacing due to stress and work overload. I choose to treat myself to an eggs and bacon breakfast and a proper latte, while continuing my reading of “The confidence code”. However, while my breakfast was served I already felt guilty as I realised I have to lose another 7 kg to finally reach the healthy weight box on the BMI scale. It felt like fate when one of the first sentences I read was the one quoted above, and all my thoughts suddenly came together.

Does my lack of confidence have anything to do with my being overweight for almost my whole life? And if so is that because others think being overweight must mean someone is less intelligent, is it because I believe that, or is it because I think they believe that? I think it might be a bit of everything, as well as a number of other internal and external factors, many of which are mentioned in “The confidence code”. Another difficult aspect is that most people don’t understand why I am insecure, for instance mentioning my MSc or PhD as proof I must be intelligent when I mumble I might not be smart enough to do something. No-one realises how nervous I was two weeks ago to ask my supervisor if she was interested in me doing a post-doctoral fellowship after my PhD, and how I am still afraid she might regret her instant positive answer and change her mind.

Although I and others may not fully understand the complex reasons for insecurity, what I do know is that a lack of confidence will not do me any favours in my pursuit of an academic career. I don’t have a quick fix or a ten step cure for insecurity, and neither does anyone else. Nonetheless, understanding confidence makes it easier to go to battle with it. I believe gaining confidence is a process and although I don't necessarily feel confident I should not let my lack of confidence influence the decisions I make. Whether I lose the last 7 kg or not, whether I fail or succeed, whether my work is perfect or just enough, whether I feel insecure or confident, whether I or others doubt my skills or have faith in them, my decisions will always aim forward and upward. And hopefully somewhere along the way I will have become a confident woman who:

“may have doubts here and there. But she has overcome them enough to take action... Preparation and practice melded with a sense of purpose- the zone of confidence” (The confidence code, p.202-203)

 

 

“The confidence code: The science and art of self-assurance- what women should know” by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman 

Have you ever felt taken for granted?

For seven years I have been proud to be a part of the caring profession. Nurses and carers are strong and fierce, dealing with challenges with our heads held high. We just ‘get on with it’.

But lately I wonder whether this strategy has done us any favours. We work in an environment that is under huge pressures. We all know about the empty beds we never have, A&Es that always seem to be full, managers endlessly trying to sort out staffing issues, complaints piling up on the matrons desk, and lunch breaks that seem to disappear leaving you dehydrated and with a massive headache. And don’t forget the increased complexity of are with people living longer and presenting with multi-morbidity and complex discharge issues.

Don’t get me wrong. Nursing is a beautiful profession and valuable profession. The patient-nurse relationship is unique and sacred, and cannot be explained to anyone who has not experienced it. But as a profession, where do we stand? Within this massive system that we call the NHS, what is our position? I am afraid that our ‘getting on with it’ attitude has given the impression that we will just make do.

The main trigger to write this blog was the recent decision from the government to cap nurses’ pay rise with 1% for the next four years. Despite growing concerns and pressures in the NHS, the government has decided that those who are facing those pressures on a daily basis do not deserve a proper pay rise. Even though the costs of registering as a nurse have gone up drastically, even though there seems to be enough money to give MPs an awful lot more, even though there rests a lot of responsibility on the shoulders of nurses every time we are on duty, even though we work unsocial hours, even though we have a shortage of nurses and more patients than hospital beds.

What is this going to do to the morale which is already low? I suspect nurses who were thinking about leaving the profession have just been given another reason to do so. And nurses who are staying in the profession have to cope with yet another show of lack of respect. I am not leaving the profession, but I do think that ‘getting on with it’, might not serve us best. I believe that sometimes we have to fight for what we are worth. Although I am not sure how to do this it is important to stand up for ourselves as a unity. We have to show our value and make sure we are treated accordingly, and for the government to cap our pay rise at 1% pay rise is just not good enough.

Have you ever felt taken for granted?

I have…

Hanneke

Dissemination of research has been and will always be a challenge. Perhaps not as much amongst fellow scientists who are used to long texts full of jargon and who are paid to read it, but to get research under the attention of the wider public is definitely a challenge. This wider public is constantly drowned in information via news sites and social media, which means scientists have to make science stand out.

As a PhD student in Nursing I have since long thought about how to get nurses and health care assistants interested in research studies relevant to their field. As a staff nurse working a few days a week, I know from up close how wide the gap is between nurses and nursing scientists. Bridging this gap should be a main priority for everyone involved. When I heard about a workshop at the University of Warwick called ‘Standing up for Science’, I signed on. This workshop was organised by an organisation called ‘Voice of Young Science’, which is part of the charity organisation ‘Sense about Science’. The workshop consisted of three panels of scientists, journalists, and members of ‘Young Voice of Science’ respectively, showing different sides to publishing research via current media platforms. The different sessions were set up as a conversation between the group and the panellists and everyone was engaged and actively involved.

At first I felt as though there is a different focus for scientists on the one hand and journalists and the public on the other. Scientists want to practice good science, find relevant findings and publish those together with information about the study’s rigor and a background of the study’s relevance. Journalists need to capture the attention of the audience and therefore need a good story that people will actually read or watch. However, the workshop discussions showed me their focus might not be that different after all as we all do want the same thing: to present correct scientific evidence to the public. And this means we need good science and good stories. And isn’t it great that scientists can collaborate with journalists, experts in respectively science and storytelling, to aim for the best of both? And isn’t it great that we can attend workshops to not just discuss the positives of it, but also to acknowledge and think about the barriers and how to address the difficulties?

The workshop made me passionate about the importance of becoming visible as a scientist on social media. It also taught me that becoming visible is a process of learning by doing. I started a twitter and a Facebook account, a blog to write about nursing, nursing science, and health care, and became a member of ‘Voice of Young Science’. I am still not sure about the best way to disseminate research amongst nurses and health care assistants, but the only way to find the answer is to get involved in both the nursing community and academia.

As a scientist we should always aim for good, perhaps even excellent science. But we should not stop after we have drawn our conclusions. After all, an unheard story will lose its meaning!


Hanneke

Dear reader,

Welcome to my blog on nursing and science! This is my first blog so I am sure there is a lot of room for improvement, but one does not have to be great to get started, but one should start to become great :).
This blog is something I have been thinking about for a long time. As a nurse and as a PhD student in Nursing I have found that science and practice are sometimes still very separate. In this blog I hope to use my continuous practical experience as a nurse as well as my ongoing learning about research, and post things related and relevant to both. You can find me on twitter and Facebook where we can get in touch!
For now I just leave you with my favourite quote:
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around" (Leo Buscaglia).

Best wishes for now,

X Hanneke